Sometimes it's hard

Sometimes it's hard for me to wake up and get into the word. I love doing it but recently i haven't had any motivation. I don't know why, but it just sucks. I know that i've been feeling down because of it and I've noticed the side effects on my personality when I don't get into the word. Usually, that's enough for me to get back to God but it's just been really hard for me. I have had so much on my mind and just never know what's right or wrong anymore and sometimes all i want is to know up front but I know with God thats never the case.
Looking back on my life God has been more than gracious towards me. He has built me up to where I am now all the heartbreak and the pain from moving around the last couple years. He's been preparing me for my future for right now when I'm so far away from my friends and family. Everything I hope for in the future is because i no longer look to my past.
It's gotten to the point where i just block out anything from my past from when i felt stupid or made a stupid mistake. sometimes i forget who i use to be i'm so focused on getting away from it, from pretending like it never happened when i need to praise God everyday for those moments because they are the reason why I found Him in the first place.
I think what I miss most about being at home is the laughter and ease and confidence I have when I'm at home. I hope that texas will be the same for me one day. i miss being back at home I think that's why i've been having a hard time, i'm trying to hold it altogether again and just get to winter break...which is where i am now but nothings changed.
i want to just have a normal break for once and not feel like i'm missing out on anything and not wishing i was somewhere else. i wanna love it here i do but theres still so much i miss about being at home and i thought i'd be happy to have my family here in texas but now i'm just wishing that i was back at home.

Finals week

I am so thankful for everything that has happened this semester. I have learned so much and grown so much. it still blows my mind to think that things will no longer be the same. this is a new chapter in my life and i'm scared out of my mind as to whats coming. there's so much at stake these next four years, the decisions that i make the next four years could and probably will impact the rest of my life and that scares me so much.

although i have nothing to worry about this first semester because my grades were awesome, however what about next semester and the ones to come. i've never had a job, how am i going to pay for things, i've spent alot of money this first semester sadly. i thought i was good at saving but i guess not. I'd really like to have my truck at school at some point but i don't know when that'll be since I don't have any money to pay for gas. i'd like to be able to pay for my plane ticket one day or maybe half of it, it gets expensive flying back and forth. i wish that texas and virginia were closer together:(

right now i'm supposed to be studying for my one and only final. i know what your thinking how do you only have one final, well one was optional if you had an A (which i do) and then my math teacher said i didnt need to take it since I did well on all 3 tests even though he was dropping our lowest test grade. and then two were my art labs, which were work all semester so thankfully they gave us a break by not having a final.
well anyways i don't think i'm going to do very well on this last test for my art appreciation class since i've been staring the study guide and don't know anything so I think i'm going to wake up early and study and pack or maybe ill study some more tonight i dont know what to do with my life right now (which apparently is my favorite phrase because i've said it like 20 times today to carleigh)