Quest

This semester has been crazy. Before spring break we had Greek week here at UNT and it was crazy with everything going on with the dance and the banner, it was enjoyable though. I have been getting more involved with Young Life which i'm sure no one is surprised by! We have started new leader training which they call quest here at UNT. Every time we meet i am quickly reminded of why I was called to UNT and just what it looks like to give up your life to serve Christ by serving others.

I'm beginning to see more and more that I am supposed to be here at UNT. It's still hard for me to go back home and not want to stay but I can feel this place just tugging on my heart. Being in Delta Gamma has been no walk in the park either. Some days I feel like i dont know anyone and i have no one to talk to when we have events but then on other days i am thankful that i know girls really well. Since the last time i posted in december, I found out that I get to live in the DG house and I am beyond excited! This will be the perfect opportunity to just love girls and get to know my sisters all the more.

I also found out that I get to go to Rockbridge this sumer for Summer Staff! I am beyond excited to go! I cant wait to just be in the mountains and working to serve Jesus with no worries other than getting to know other summer staffers and making it the best week ever for campers. I cant wait to give up my cell phone and technology for a whole month. Something about not having to be anywhere or having anything to keep track of is wonderful. I am looking forward to spending an entire month with Jesus!

Justin and I celebrated our one year this past weekend and by celebrated I mean we talked the day before because he went camping with his friends this weekend. But I mean what can you do, i get to talk to him daily and i am so thankful for that. Maybe one day we will be together on our anniversary maybe not. He has become my best friend and I cant believe we have been together for a year already. I still feel like I have so much to learn about him ! This is the longest I've ever dated anyone and it's been such a blessing to do this with him.

Sometimes it's hard

Sometimes it's hard for me to wake up and get into the word. I love doing it but recently i haven't had any motivation. I don't know why, but it just sucks. I know that i've been feeling down because of it and I've noticed the side effects on my personality when I don't get into the word. Usually, that's enough for me to get back to God but it's just been really hard for me. I have had so much on my mind and just never know what's right or wrong anymore and sometimes all i want is to know up front but I know with God thats never the case.
Looking back on my life God has been more than gracious towards me. He has built me up to where I am now all the heartbreak and the pain from moving around the last couple years. He's been preparing me for my future for right now when I'm so far away from my friends and family. Everything I hope for in the future is because i no longer look to my past.
It's gotten to the point where i just block out anything from my past from when i felt stupid or made a stupid mistake. sometimes i forget who i use to be i'm so focused on getting away from it, from pretending like it never happened when i need to praise God everyday for those moments because they are the reason why I found Him in the first place.
I think what I miss most about being at home is the laughter and ease and confidence I have when I'm at home. I hope that texas will be the same for me one day. i miss being back at home I think that's why i've been having a hard time, i'm trying to hold it altogether again and just get to winter break...which is where i am now but nothings changed.
i want to just have a normal break for once and not feel like i'm missing out on anything and not wishing i was somewhere else. i wanna love it here i do but theres still so much i miss about being at home and i thought i'd be happy to have my family here in texas but now i'm just wishing that i was back at home.

Finals week

I am so thankful for everything that has happened this semester. I have learned so much and grown so much. it still blows my mind to think that things will no longer be the same. this is a new chapter in my life and i'm scared out of my mind as to whats coming. there's so much at stake these next four years, the decisions that i make the next four years could and probably will impact the rest of my life and that scares me so much.

although i have nothing to worry about this first semester because my grades were awesome, however what about next semester and the ones to come. i've never had a job, how am i going to pay for things, i've spent alot of money this first semester sadly. i thought i was good at saving but i guess not. I'd really like to have my truck at school at some point but i don't know when that'll be since I don't have any money to pay for gas. i'd like to be able to pay for my plane ticket one day or maybe half of it, it gets expensive flying back and forth. i wish that texas and virginia were closer together:(

right now i'm supposed to be studying for my one and only final. i know what your thinking how do you only have one final, well one was optional if you had an A (which i do) and then my math teacher said i didnt need to take it since I did well on all 3 tests even though he was dropping our lowest test grade. and then two were my art labs, which were work all semester so thankfully they gave us a break by not having a final.
well anyways i don't think i'm going to do very well on this last test for my art appreciation class since i've been staring the study guide and don't know anything so I think i'm going to wake up early and study and pack or maybe ill study some more tonight i dont know what to do with my life right now (which apparently is my favorite phrase because i've said it like 20 times today to carleigh)

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Can you believe that it's already november, or that thanksgiving is right around the corner? i honestly can't. this semester has FLOWN by. i'm almost done with my first semester of college, i still feel like i just graduated yesterday. the past three and half months have honestly been the hardest, and most trying times for my faith...and yet i know they have been the most rewarding.

As i approach the two year mark of being set free, never would I have thought that i would be 1,205 miles away from my home. i'm in utter amazement of what God has called me to and how He's changed my heart to want to be here and to be doing what i love. i told my self this would not be a place for me to pour my heart out but a place for telling what I need prayers for. 

well right now i need prayer to stay strong. tears of joy are falling down as i think about being able to hug justin after three and a half months. honestly, i feel like i've forgotten what it looks like for us to be holding hands or to be hugging. i know it may seem like i'm being a silly girl, but the next four days could not go by any faster. I've also come to realize that i love hugs, i knew i did before, but in a place where i don't know very many people enough to give them hugs, one simple hug makes my heart ache. anytime i see my best friend kim we literally run and hug each other. honestly, justin has become one of my best friends and i can imagine thats what justin and i's hug will look like, and i will also most likely be crying. You better believe i'm going to cherish the full 75(ish) hours i have in VA. 

the one thing i have learned is to appreciate every moment i have with my loved ones. 

which brings me to next friday night

you better believe one week from today at this time i will be laying in none other than

katie my favorite ever's bed. 

(which is still her name in my phone after a year +)

i will probably be crying when i see and talk to her too, oh how i have missed my sweet friend so much. oh how i have missed going to school sporting events with her and just hanging out at starbucks and being carefree. i miss having sleepovers at her house and sitting with her while she cleans her kitchen which is always when i happen to be there haha.

and the night i get home i will get to see none other than the magnificent MIRANDA!

oh how we have become so close as we spur each other on, once again at different schools, now hundreds of miles apart, but still as if we lived 10 minutes away from each other. The Lord has been so sweet to me, He has certainly provided for me at home. 

pray for patience, and for strength in God. 

it will be so hard to leave these sweet friends although it will only be for a few weeks before i'm reunited with them over winter break. i was heart broken before i left when i got to see them everyday, i can't imagine how it's going to feel to leave again after being home. pray that God will give me the strength and passion to come back here to denton. i love this place but oh how i wish my friends were here to experience it with me. 

Take me back: the struggle is real

These past few weeks have been a real struggle for me, I couldn't tell you why now because I just feel so overwhelmed with joy and passion. I just finished Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers, I've been unable to put it down these past couple days because I couldn't remember the ending from when I read it like 6 months ago. If you haven't read this book, I strongly recommend it. This book reminded me of forgiveness, and being brought from death to life and just unending love.

This past weekend my high school in virginia went to Fall weekend at the Young Life camp Rockbridge. Rockbridge holds a special place in my heart because that's where i accepted Christ almost two years ago. (It will be two years on november 21!) Since fall weekend of my junior year, I've been back for summer camp, august work crew, fall weekend (again), weekend work crew, and prayer over night. Each time i've gone back my relationship has grown and become sweeter.

This weekend my high school took about 40 kids and the area brought about 160. I desperately wish  i could've been there to experience fall weekend again and see the Lord work in these girls' lives. One thing that has been so hard for me is having to leave Virginia and the Young Life community. The college students in VA often get to go to Rockbridge and do weekend Work crew and some of my friends got to do that this weekend and I felt a twinge of jealousy, because I will never get to do that. One of things I looked forward to in High school was getting to do that, and my heart breaks anytime mentions this on twitter or pictures on instagram. I so desperately want to go back and experience this and be with friends in community.

One thing I've realized and Redeeming Love has helped me to see this, is that God has called me to Texas and He has prepared me for my circumstances. In high school, I was one of the only girl seniors at my school  to follow Christ and at my school my community consisted of my YL leader and the other senior guys, which wasn't exactly the type of community i needed. However, I did have Miranda and caitlin who went to the other two high schools so I am thankful for that. Any ways back to the point, God has prepared me for the lack of community here in Denton by my lack of community in high school. This was really hard for me to accept because nothing did I want more was to finally have a community to lean on and be with. I've realized now that I've been so obsessed with having people pour into me that I have become selfish and have forgotten about those who need to be loved and poured into.

My passion is blooming and I can feel God working in my heart and finally giving me peace about being here. The weekends are the hardest part for me about being here. I know that this is where I am supposed to be, while that could change I know that this is will make me stronger for my future. Weekends have become harder and harder and I've been trying to control my excitement that Thanksgiving is only two weekends away. Is it bad that I get this excited about going home? I miss my bed, I miss my dogs, I miss my parents food, I miss being lazy, I miss Justin, I miss katie, I miss miranda, I miss Young Life, I miss Hickory, I miss all my babies at Hickory. Words cannot explain the joy that fills my heart when I think about going home. I can tell you right now there will be alot of crying that weekend but certainly tears of joy and not sorrow.

Please be praying, that I stay in the present that my heart would continue to reach out to girls here. Some of my sorority sisters have shown interest in Young Life. I also have been praying about a way to lead or where to lead. Pray for patience, and for peace and comfort. Pray that I would continue to lean on God for strength. Also pray that I continue to trust God with everything in my life right now.

Texas isn't home just yet

Well i'm going to start off by giving you an update about how I've been doing recently... so the past few weeks i've had an awful cough and it was worse but I slept it off last weekend the question is can I keep it away. I've been dealing with hives and swollen hands, they've seemed to disappear for now but who knows with this cold front this week.

This past week I found out my Great grandma died. She was 98, and had been sick with pneumonia. It was time and she's now out of pain. I think what's hardest for me is that I've had multiple opportunities to go visit her these past couple years and thought ill just go next time and last I heard Granny was doing well. And now it seems I've ran out of time. I'm having a hard time forgiving myself but I know she's watching down on me and is feeling alive and well again up in heaven.

It's hard to imagine actually, I found out a week before Wednesday that Granny wasn't doing well. I tried to focus on my school work but when I got the call I just felt like life stopped around me. My DG sister Alex comforted me while I cried at the library. She gave me an awesome hug and I couldn't be more thankful for her in that moment.

I'm still searching for my place here at UNT. Gods been revealing so many things to me and I couldn't be happier but as each week progresses I find myself missing home more and more. Each weekend gets harder and harder. I find myself getting caught up in Instagram and twitter and Facebook. Looking at what everyone else is doing and just reminding myself that I'm a thousand miles away from home. I'm thankful for my grandparents but ill never know what's its like to drive and meet friends on the weekends. I won't get to spend the night in my bed until thanksgiving. And then not again until January. I find myself craving real conversation and genuine laughter but I don't think I've found anyone yet.

These next three weeks until thanksgiving are going to be very long and stressful. Please be praying for a community and people I can be real with and turn to when I'm struggling for encouragement. I can't do this on my own, and I know sometimes I still rely on myself when I need to be relying on God.

Sisters for life

So anyone who knows me I think knew that I wasn't going to rush because it wasn't for me. But honestly I think God called me to these girls and to Delta Gamma specifically. Tonight we had our new member retreat and we did something called Fire Side Chat and the question was "what is a defining moment in your life" and imagine probably 45 girls sitting in a giant circle on the ground. You can imagine that there were tons of tears and all i can say is that every single one of them was just so broken and going through so much pain. It reminded me of how broken our world is and that in this broken world God can make us feel whole again. I got to share a part of my testimony tonight and I've told my testimony a number of times and once in front of a crowd of high school students and have had the strength and boldness to not cry. And tonight everything around me had just gotten to me and I cried about how broken I was and I was just reminded of that tonight and even at church this morning I was reminded.

But when it came down to it, I put it out there for everyone to hear, my identity is in Christ; and I said that my defining moment was my junior year of high school when I accepted Christ. I couldn't even spit it out and I have no idea why, but I hope that God will use that moment and touch those girls lives even if it's in the smallest of ways.

I've been questioning, why UNT, and why certain things have been put on my heart, and tonight gave me a glimpse of why God called me to UNT. I seriously can't wait to become apart of this sisterhood and be apart of my sister's lives in a new way. This is a new chance for me to forget about my past and move on, no strings attached. I'm made new every morning I wake up, every day is a new day planned out by God himself.

Please be praying for each and every one of the girls in my new member class, there was alot of honesty tonight and just alot of brokenness and just so much potential in these girls. So just be praying that I can serve them and love them now that I've said my brokenness and now I can focus on theirs by loving and serving them!