Christmas Time

So i havent gotten on here in a long time and i think i decided that i want to get on here more actually. I'm suppose to be working on probability and statistics homework right now but i keep putting it off, along with putting away my clothes. I always take forever to hang up my clothes and it actually adds to my stress if you can believe it. So i'm gonna start with everything that has been on my mind lately:

College
- i finally submitted my application to VCU on the 30th of november and it takes like 4-6 weeks to hear a decision and i have to wait for the letter in the mail. no checking online unfortunately. alot of people have been asking me where i want to go and i answer with VCU and University of North Texas; which then leads them to ask which one is my top choice all i answer with is i have no idea. they are two completely different schools. one is in a state where i have lived for almost 10 years (not consecutively) and the other is where all my relatives live and where i say i'm from. one campus is the typical college community; the other is in the middle of a bustling city. both have younglife. i know i'm going to miss the community that i have here in chesapeake. it'll be hard to leave i know that. i know where my heart is leading me and i know God can use me anywhere he wants. the question is how far do i want to travel on breaks? i have only admitted to two, well three if you count God, people where i am leading towards. the letter i get after december 30th will decide where i am to go.

christmas
-each year christmas feels less and less like christmas. i know i am guilty of forgetting why we celebrate christmas. we celebrate to celebrate the birth of Jesus. who knew that this moment would change history forever? even those who don't celebrate christmas, or celebrate christmas even though they arent followers, are affected by this life-changing moment. i am all for listening to christmas music and cuddling up with a blanket and hot chocolate on the couch. christmas is my favorite time of the year, but this year was different. i cant even believe that in exactly a week it will be christmas day.

friends
-i have been a terrible friend these past few weeks. when i get busy i tend to fall into a rut and like to just sleep and be away from people. the only people that see me are the ones who are in my classes and the ones who are doing the same things i do after school; which is running around crazy. for this exact reason i dont want to leave chesapeake, or virginia in general because i'm scared of losing the relationships i have right now. lets be honest i am very forgetful and extremely lazy; and i feel guilty about it.

my relationship with God
-with the holiday season and making basketball cheer, my life has become crazy. i hardly ever eat dinner at home and i barely get enough sleep. the benefit of this semester is that i havent had very much homework to do. however, my next semester is what i'm worried about. i have been struggling as it is to wake up early before school and have a devotional and to really take in what i'm reading. i struggle with remembering things sthat i read. its also hard for my to stay focused in prayer. i have also been feeling selfish when it comes to praying. i find it hard to pray for everyone and i cant seem to find a system to pray for everyone and everything that i want to. it's moments like these where i look forward to college when i will (hopefully) have enough free time to have two quiet times one to start the day and another to get into the word. i so desprately want to chase after the Lord. and I fully want to rely on him for everything because we literally can do nothing without him.

things at hickory are picking up. we have a consistent group of girls that come and i could not be more happy. this christmas break i'm hoping to find my way back to God on an even deeper level and chase hard this last part of the year. Hickory is really and trually starting to be impacted and I know this is the year that everything will change. i want to love all the girls so much. i want to change girls there. i want to change the reputation for hickory. my hope is that the girls will have a well-supported community because honestly i dont have one for myself. i still struggle with finding someone my own age to be with at my school. someone who wants to run hard after the Lord with me.

i literally just spent the entire weekend with Katie Hackett, my younglife leader. i could not be more blessed and thankful for her. we went up to fredericksburg with Beckidy beck becks. i so needed this weekend to just remind me of what its like to have friends who chase after the Lord like me. seeing steph and lacy and scott is sometimes all i need to remind me of what it looks like to have friendships based off of christ. my heart longs for these genuine relationships.

on friday i prayed to be humbled and to be shown why i accepted christ into my life. well thats exactly what happened, i wasnt nominated for best hair but i got nominated for most creative. i was frustrated and angry at one of my friends but by the end of the night i had let it go. i wish that i hadnt been angry over something so silly as senior superlatives, but these moments are the ones that i have still been trying to let go of. things that are apart of my old self. this same moment reminded me that i can trust no one with anything except for God. it reminded me that the only person who has been there for me is God. thinking of all my friendships and how some feel like i have known people for so long here (in chesapeake) but in reality they probably dont even know that much about me. it hurts to think that because i only moved here a year and a half ago, i will be picked last out of everyone. how im not anyones first choice, but Gods. my work crew relationships, people i only knew for two weeks know me more and love me more and understand me more than some of my friends at my school. these moments, the ones on friday, are the the reason why i cant wait to go off to college so i can surround myself with people who follow God.