So if you don't count the massive breakdown I had on Sunday. It was late and my emotions were just crazy. I've been doing great! I'm keeping myself busy with tennis and school work.
I made captain alongside jackie and rachel, for tennis so I'll be in charge of the paperwork stuff and motivating the team goes along with it. I really don't want to slack off this season with conditioning I'm gonna really try and get into shape.
Schoolwork definitely has me on my toes I definitely have to remind myself that it's okay to take a step back and relax in the fact that God will help me to get everything done. Especially when I'm feeling stressed about finishing a piece for ap drawing.
I've been trying to really stay focused on God. Whenever I feel upset, I try and stop my mind from wandering and say just pray. I know God has a plan for me. I just have to be patient!
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
Lost my way, time to be strong.
I just re-read my blogs, which isn't very many. I've come to realize while my relationship with God has grown so much more intimate, I have become less appreciative of the things he does in my life. So I'm just going to touch bases on a few things I've talked about in previous blogs.
-College:
I am officially apart of the mean green family at the University of North Texas. Recently, I have been feeling so confused about going to school there. For the record, I was accepted in to the arts program at VCU. But I wasn't that excited to see that I had gotten in which pretty much confirmed the fact that I wanted to go to UNT. Everyone says you should be able to picture yourself at the school, well I could do just that with UNT. What's confusing is that I have come to realize how much I love the community in Chesapeake and in VA in general. What I love about VA is that when I go to camp, there's no doubt I will see people I know and with plans to lead next year I would know a number of leaders and such. I'm just going to miss it so much.
Hickory-
This semester isn't as bad as I thought it would be since I dropped AP art history. I've gotten into a habit of having a 30 minute quiet time in the morning. What's awesome is how much things have changed at hickory! I sometimes forget to take a step back and just be thankful for everything God is doing because he certainly is changing girls lives at Hickory. Tears come to my eyes as I say this. We had 5 tables full of girls at chikfila this week for bible study. I am so overwhelmed with joy and excitement. This is Gods time to change Hickory. Our goal is to have 30 girls at camp this summer. I fully believe that this is going to happen. This will not only break the record for the number of girls going but the total people going at all for hickory. Tonight some girls are coming over to watch a movie and play some games.
What's crazy to me is that the bible study was one to two girls tops but now it's 5 tables full of girls! And most of them underclass men! I'm just so amazed of how much God has been at work.
Recently, I had the great privilege of sharing my testimony with my campaigner group. It was the first time I hadn't cried sharing it. God has changed me. I am living breathing proof of Gods love. He has changed my heart. I am no longer scared to pray. I no longer feel awkward walking up to girls. I am confident. I am strong. I am full of Gods love.
Something hard for me right now i listening to God. I just had my heart broken again. But what's different is that I don't feel the pain as much. I know it's going to be okay and maybe that's what scares me. But I feel like this isn't over. But I cant tell if its my heart or if it's God saying no he'll come around. I know I said I'm going to be single and I am. It's just so hard to be strong. I am learning to rely on God more and more whenever my heart cringes at his name or picture. I know I need to focus on God. I had definitely lost sight of Him, I just wasnt paying attention. What's hard is that I want him to be happy and if he isn't happy with me then I want him to find someone else. This is the first time I have ever prayed for a guys happiness with another girl. I would rather feel all his pain and mine then for him to be unhappy. I just want him to know that. I feel like I have to be strong. I feel like I have to show him I don't care but I really do.
Okay. I feel like I'm being dramatic. I just have to put it out there or it will eat me up inside. I really want to find my way back to God.
-College:
I am officially apart of the mean green family at the University of North Texas. Recently, I have been feeling so confused about going to school there. For the record, I was accepted in to the arts program at VCU. But I wasn't that excited to see that I had gotten in which pretty much confirmed the fact that I wanted to go to UNT. Everyone says you should be able to picture yourself at the school, well I could do just that with UNT. What's confusing is that I have come to realize how much I love the community in Chesapeake and in VA in general. What I love about VA is that when I go to camp, there's no doubt I will see people I know and with plans to lead next year I would know a number of leaders and such. I'm just going to miss it so much.
Hickory-
This semester isn't as bad as I thought it would be since I dropped AP art history. I've gotten into a habit of having a 30 minute quiet time in the morning. What's awesome is how much things have changed at hickory! I sometimes forget to take a step back and just be thankful for everything God is doing because he certainly is changing girls lives at Hickory. Tears come to my eyes as I say this. We had 5 tables full of girls at chikfila this week for bible study. I am so overwhelmed with joy and excitement. This is Gods time to change Hickory. Our goal is to have 30 girls at camp this summer. I fully believe that this is going to happen. This will not only break the record for the number of girls going but the total people going at all for hickory. Tonight some girls are coming over to watch a movie and play some games.
What's crazy to me is that the bible study was one to two girls tops but now it's 5 tables full of girls! And most of them underclass men! I'm just so amazed of how much God has been at work.
Recently, I had the great privilege of sharing my testimony with my campaigner group. It was the first time I hadn't cried sharing it. God has changed me. I am living breathing proof of Gods love. He has changed my heart. I am no longer scared to pray. I no longer feel awkward walking up to girls. I am confident. I am strong. I am full of Gods love.
Something hard for me right now i listening to God. I just had my heart broken again. But what's different is that I don't feel the pain as much. I know it's going to be okay and maybe that's what scares me. But I feel like this isn't over. But I cant tell if its my heart or if it's God saying no he'll come around. I know I said I'm going to be single and I am. It's just so hard to be strong. I am learning to rely on God more and more whenever my heart cringes at his name or picture. I know I need to focus on God. I had definitely lost sight of Him, I just wasnt paying attention. What's hard is that I want him to be happy and if he isn't happy with me then I want him to find someone else. This is the first time I have ever prayed for a guys happiness with another girl. I would rather feel all his pain and mine then for him to be unhappy. I just want him to know that. I feel like I have to be strong. I feel like I have to show him I don't care but I really do.
Okay. I feel like I'm being dramatic. I just have to put it out there or it will eat me up inside. I really want to find my way back to God.
Monday, February 20, 2012
I have come to the realization....
That my blog makes no sense and that I don't really know what I want it to be or to say. This is a disclaimer to anyone reading this! (which is probably no one)
I accepted Christ into my life a little over a year and half ago not knowing what it would entail or what it even meant I just knew that I wanted God in my life. Its always a process. What you ask does that mean? I mean when I accepted Christ on Nov. 21, 2010 I had no intentions of officially giving up my party life, or my obsession with boys but that I liked the idea to, maybe, one day be able to WANT to do that.
if you look at my love life, that is what truly represents how my God has changed and continues to change my heart daily. The process of me becoming centered on God has not been easy when it comes to guys. In the past year I've broken up with two guys knowing that what I needed is a Christ centered relationship, and in between these two my heart was taken and then broken by someone I thought was Christ centered. Then I found the second boy that I dated for the entire summer and then came home from WC knowing full well that I needed someone who could push me to Christ. Then I thought I met someone who was "perfect" for me in the sense that I was looking for the perfect relationship that I thought was focused on God. Well it wasn't. Everything was right, we followed all the rules but we let ourselves get to comfortable with the idea of our "perfect" relationship. The boy very much like myself struggles with girls much like I struggle with guys. Making this a very tough situation because of all the walls that had come down and all the promises that had been made. In the end, and the overall point of this drawn out story is that I used to be scared of the future of what would happen to me and my life when a relationship ended with a guy. BUT, I am no longer scared, and I think that's what scares me. I know whole-heartedly that God has something planned for me, something great. He is what I am relying on to stay strong. I think what's scary the most is that I have never been able to trust anyone fully and I trust God with my life. My heart has changed from wanting to be loved by the perfect guy to only wanting to be loved by God. I have made a vow to devote my life to God. And within the year and half that I have had Him in my life I've never once been single and I mean not talking to anyone or thinking about future possibilities. Well today that changes, I vow to be single and to love God only, until he has healed my heart and has prepared it to love someone else in His name but never above it.
I accepted Christ into my life a little over a year and half ago not knowing what it would entail or what it even meant I just knew that I wanted God in my life. Its always a process. What you ask does that mean? I mean when I accepted Christ on Nov. 21, 2010 I had no intentions of officially giving up my party life, or my obsession with boys but that I liked the idea to, maybe, one day be able to WANT to do that.
if you look at my love life, that is what truly represents how my God has changed and continues to change my heart daily. The process of me becoming centered on God has not been easy when it comes to guys. In the past year I've broken up with two guys knowing that what I needed is a Christ centered relationship, and in between these two my heart was taken and then broken by someone I thought was Christ centered. Then I found the second boy that I dated for the entire summer and then came home from WC knowing full well that I needed someone who could push me to Christ. Then I thought I met someone who was "perfect" for me in the sense that I was looking for the perfect relationship that I thought was focused on God. Well it wasn't. Everything was right, we followed all the rules but we let ourselves get to comfortable with the idea of our "perfect" relationship. The boy very much like myself struggles with girls much like I struggle with guys. Making this a very tough situation because of all the walls that had come down and all the promises that had been made. In the end, and the overall point of this drawn out story is that I used to be scared of the future of what would happen to me and my life when a relationship ended with a guy. BUT, I am no longer scared, and I think that's what scares me. I know whole-heartedly that God has something planned for me, something great. He is what I am relying on to stay strong. I think what's scary the most is that I have never been able to trust anyone fully and I trust God with my life. My heart has changed from wanting to be loved by the perfect guy to only wanting to be loved by God. I have made a vow to devote my life to God. And within the year and half that I have had Him in my life I've never once been single and I mean not talking to anyone or thinking about future possibilities. Well today that changes, I vow to be single and to love God only, until he has healed my heart and has prepared it to love someone else in His name but never above it.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
He holds my heart
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4 (NIV)
Turn to God whether it be good or bad and he will grant you all that you need. Sometimes it doesn't seem like he's doing what your heart wants but he knows it better than you.
"Create in me a clean heart, O god; and renew a right spirit within me." Psalm 51:10 (KJV)
We are all sinners. We all fall short. I admit I have recently fallen short again. I guess it was time for God to make a change. He wanted to renew my passion for him I was too comfortable where I was in my relationship with him. He will clean my heart of my pain and anger. The anger that I cannot control he will lead out of my body and teach me to love with my clean, new heart.
"I see you with all my heart; do not let me stray from Your commands." Psalm 119:10 (NIV).
I want this life. I crave more God in my life. I want to fall in love with him more and more everyday. And with me coming to him each and everyday with the troubles and fears in my heart I know that his commands will surely follow.
I am having a hard time thanking God for what he has just done. I so desperately want to believe that there's something better for me coming. I know there is but I can't seem to take comfort in that just yet. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.
I'm trying to find comfort in many things right now and I need to just take comfort in him.
Read each of these verses individually and then read them altogether as a prayer to God to always hold and protect your heart even when you feel like letting go.
Turn to God whether it be good or bad and he will grant you all that you need. Sometimes it doesn't seem like he's doing what your heart wants but he knows it better than you.
"Create in me a clean heart, O god; and renew a right spirit within me." Psalm 51:10 (KJV)
We are all sinners. We all fall short. I admit I have recently fallen short again. I guess it was time for God to make a change. He wanted to renew my passion for him I was too comfortable where I was in my relationship with him. He will clean my heart of my pain and anger. The anger that I cannot control he will lead out of my body and teach me to love with my clean, new heart.
"I see you with all my heart; do not let me stray from Your commands." Psalm 119:10 (NIV).
I want this life. I crave more God in my life. I want to fall in love with him more and more everyday. And with me coming to him each and everyday with the troubles and fears in my heart I know that his commands will surely follow.
I am having a hard time thanking God for what he has just done. I so desperately want to believe that there's something better for me coming. I know there is but I can't seem to take comfort in that just yet. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.
I'm trying to find comfort in many things right now and I need to just take comfort in him.
Read each of these verses individually and then read them altogether as a prayer to God to always hold and protect your heart even when you feel like letting go.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Is this real life?
I barely slept at all last night. I went to bed late and I woke up when my dogs were barking this morning and who knows when that was. I could feel myself tossing and turning throughout the night. I never thought this would happen. I feel so blindsided. Everyone keeps telling me God has plans for you Steph, it's gonna be okay. That phrase is so hard to here because I thought that what was happening was the plan I didn't see that this was coming. I wanted to change. I wanted to make things better. But he let go of me.
Relationships are a funny thing. The best kind are when God is at the center. But the hard thing about balancing your relationship with God and another person is that you have to share your heart with someone other than God. And when do we draw the line that we've gone to far with our heart? In a marriage the first person to have your heart is God, the second person is your husband or wife. They get some of your heart.
I knew this would happen. I just didn't want to believe it. I convinced myself that it wouldn't so the second I started to believe it, it was taken away. God, I did turn my back on you, but I knew that and I wanted to change. Did it really have to end? Is this really the end?
Relationships are a funny thing. The best kind are when God is at the center. But the hard thing about balancing your relationship with God and another person is that you have to share your heart with someone other than God. And when do we draw the line that we've gone to far with our heart? In a marriage the first person to have your heart is God, the second person is your husband or wife. They get some of your heart.
I knew this would happen. I just didn't want to believe it. I convinced myself that it wouldn't so the second I started to believe it, it was taken away. God, I did turn my back on you, but I knew that and I wanted to change. Did it really have to end? Is this really the end?
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