So i havent gotten on here in a long time and i think i decided that i want to get on here more actually. I'm suppose to be working on probability and statistics homework right now but i keep putting it off, along with putting away my clothes. I always take forever to hang up my clothes and it actually adds to my stress if you can believe it. So i'm gonna start with everything that has been on my mind lately:
College
- i finally submitted my application to VCU on the 30th of november and it takes like 4-6 weeks to hear a decision and i have to wait for the letter in the mail. no checking online unfortunately. alot of people have been asking me where i want to go and i answer with VCU and University of North Texas; which then leads them to ask which one is my top choice all i answer with is i have no idea. they are two completely different schools. one is in a state where i have lived for almost 10 years (not consecutively) and the other is where all my relatives live and where i say i'm from. one campus is the typical college community; the other is in the middle of a bustling city. both have younglife. i know i'm going to miss the community that i have here in chesapeake. it'll be hard to leave i know that. i know where my heart is leading me and i know God can use me anywhere he wants. the question is how far do i want to travel on breaks? i have only admitted to two, well three if you count God, people where i am leading towards. the letter i get after december 30th will decide where i am to go.
christmas
-each year christmas feels less and less like christmas. i know i am guilty of forgetting why we celebrate christmas. we celebrate to celebrate the birth of Jesus. who knew that this moment would change history forever? even those who don't celebrate christmas, or celebrate christmas even though they arent followers, are affected by this life-changing moment. i am all for listening to christmas music and cuddling up with a blanket and hot chocolate on the couch. christmas is my favorite time of the year, but this year was different. i cant even believe that in exactly a week it will be christmas day.
friends
-i have been a terrible friend these past few weeks. when i get busy i tend to fall into a rut and like to just sleep and be away from people. the only people that see me are the ones who are in my classes and the ones who are doing the same things i do after school; which is running around crazy. for this exact reason i dont want to leave chesapeake, or virginia in general because i'm scared of losing the relationships i have right now. lets be honest i am very forgetful and extremely lazy; and i feel guilty about it.
my relationship with God
-with the holiday season and making basketball cheer, my life has become crazy. i hardly ever eat dinner at home and i barely get enough sleep. the benefit of this semester is that i havent had very much homework to do. however, my next semester is what i'm worried about. i have been struggling as it is to wake up early before school and have a devotional and to really take in what i'm reading. i struggle with remembering things sthat i read. its also hard for my to stay focused in prayer. i have also been feeling selfish when it comes to praying. i find it hard to pray for everyone and i cant seem to find a system to pray for everyone and everything that i want to. it's moments like these where i look forward to college when i will (hopefully) have enough free time to have two quiet times one to start the day and another to get into the word. i so desprately want to chase after the Lord. and I fully want to rely on him for everything because we literally can do nothing without him.
things at hickory are picking up. we have a consistent group of girls that come and i could not be more happy. this christmas break i'm hoping to find my way back to God on an even deeper level and chase hard this last part of the year. Hickory is really and trually starting to be impacted and I know this is the year that everything will change. i want to love all the girls so much. i want to change girls there. i want to change the reputation for hickory. my hope is that the girls will have a well-supported community because honestly i dont have one for myself. i still struggle with finding someone my own age to be with at my school. someone who wants to run hard after the Lord with me.
i literally just spent the entire weekend with Katie Hackett, my younglife leader. i could not be more blessed and thankful for her. we went up to fredericksburg with Beckidy beck becks. i so needed this weekend to just remind me of what its like to have friends who chase after the Lord like me. seeing steph and lacy and scott is sometimes all i need to remind me of what it looks like to have friendships based off of christ. my heart longs for these genuine relationships.
on friday i prayed to be humbled and to be shown why i accepted christ into my life. well thats exactly what happened, i wasnt nominated for best hair but i got nominated for most creative. i was frustrated and angry at one of my friends but by the end of the night i had let it go. i wish that i hadnt been angry over something so silly as senior superlatives, but these moments are the ones that i have still been trying to let go of. things that are apart of my old self. this same moment reminded me that i can trust no one with anything except for God. it reminded me that the only person who has been there for me is God. thinking of all my friendships and how some feel like i have known people for so long here (in chesapeake) but in reality they probably dont even know that much about me. it hurts to think that because i only moved here a year and a half ago, i will be picked last out of everyone. how im not anyones first choice, but Gods. my work crew relationships, people i only knew for two weeks know me more and love me more and understand me more than some of my friends at my school. these moments, the ones on friday, are the the reason why i cant wait to go off to college so i can surround myself with people who follow God.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Change
This week is going to be the longest ever waiting for Rockbridge. I am so excited for the girls from my school to experience what I experienced last year. My life has changed immensely since last year. I was reading an old journal that I had from freshman year and all I kept writing was I dont know who I am and I need to find myself again. The one reason I decided to accept christ into my life because He filled the hole in my heart. All my younglife leader kept saying that weekend is that God would always be there for me that even when I feel alone he is there for me. I cried so hard that weekend. That was the last time I remember being vulnerable with God in front of so many girls. I cried my heart away infront of all the girls in my cabin. I wish that I could say I had been that vulnerable with the girls at camp this summer.
My life has changed because of God. My heart has changed because of Him. I don't know where I would be right now if I wasn't a follower. I am in love wiht Jesus Christ. This relationship that I have is the longest relationship I've ever had.
My life has changed because of God. My heart has changed because of Him. I don't know where I would be right now if I wasn't a follower. I am in love wiht Jesus Christ. This relationship that I have is the longest relationship I've ever had.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Believe
Sometimes when I think of the word believe I think of the movie Polar Express when the little boy has a ticket that says believe punched in to it. Something that God has been putting on my heart alot is to just believe and trust him. I find myself wondering if God will do something for me what I need to do is believe that he will do soemthing. One of the guys in my campaigner group always brings up how our relationship with God should be almost child-like where we just have such innocence and believe everything that our Father tells us.
I just watched some workcrew videos which filled my heart with joy when I watched how much fun we were having. Sometimes I wish that I hadn't spent my experience sleeping the whole time... The bonds that I made could be so much stronger right now. I miss having so many girls to talk to for support and to support. One thing that's so hard for me is the lack of community that the girls have at Hickory. My one goal for the year is that we will get together once a week and be able to hang out without thinking about school work, boys or anything distracting. I hope by the end of the year the girls at Hickory have changed and they realize they're not alone and that the school can change as long as they are willing to change too. I dont want girls to be discouraged because they don't have anyone to love them and support them. That just makes my heart want to break. It's hard for me to do it but God has gotten me through it and my younglife leader has certainly helped.
In a few weeks I will have my one year anniversary of being in a relation with God. November 21. The things that have changed in the past year are unbelievable. He has changed my heart to love differently. He has changed my eyes to see things differently. And He has called me to do so many things that I never expected I would be doing. This time last year I felt alone, I felt unloved. All I wanted was to be accepted and to be known. I was searching for something but I didnt know what it was. When I went to fall weekend, I found what I was looking for. All I remember from that weekend is that I cried every night at cabin time. I was so vulnerable to these girls that I didn't know and they didn't judge me for it. He loved me through them, through my Younglife leader and through everyone else at camp. With the next fall weekend approaching I hope that the girls in my cabin get to experience what I did. I hope that they are as vulnerable as I was and that they listen closely to what God is calling them there for.
I just watched some workcrew videos which filled my heart with joy when I watched how much fun we were having. Sometimes I wish that I hadn't spent my experience sleeping the whole time... The bonds that I made could be so much stronger right now. I miss having so many girls to talk to for support and to support. One thing that's so hard for me is the lack of community that the girls have at Hickory. My one goal for the year is that we will get together once a week and be able to hang out without thinking about school work, boys or anything distracting. I hope by the end of the year the girls at Hickory have changed and they realize they're not alone and that the school can change as long as they are willing to change too. I dont want girls to be discouraged because they don't have anyone to love them and support them. That just makes my heart want to break. It's hard for me to do it but God has gotten me through it and my younglife leader has certainly helped.
In a few weeks I will have my one year anniversary of being in a relation with God. November 21. The things that have changed in the past year are unbelievable. He has changed my heart to love differently. He has changed my eyes to see things differently. And He has called me to do so many things that I never expected I would be doing. This time last year I felt alone, I felt unloved. All I wanted was to be accepted and to be known. I was searching for something but I didnt know what it was. When I went to fall weekend, I found what I was looking for. All I remember from that weekend is that I cried every night at cabin time. I was so vulnerable to these girls that I didn't know and they didn't judge me for it. He loved me through them, through my Younglife leader and through everyone else at camp. With the next fall weekend approaching I hope that the girls in my cabin get to experience what I did. I hope that they are as vulnerable as I was and that they listen closely to what God is calling them there for.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Shine bright
"If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And in you count far more to him than birds." -Matthew 6:25-26
Something that God has been putting on my heart a lot is my appearance of myself and sometimes I find myself slipping back into my old habits where I just beat myself up for things that I cant control. I find myself doing it alot when I get on facebook and look at my friends or look at my old pictures. It's hard for me to look at cheer pictures. It makes me cringe. I think i understand why God chose work crew over cheer, it's just hard for me to accept when it's something i've wanted forever; but it's not a good want. It consumed me, my thoughts, my attitude. Little by little though, God reminds me what I live for. He reminds me that the only opinion that matters is his. Sometimes I forget. Actually, I forget all the time. I find it really hard to watch people with their boyfriends. I find it really hard to watch chick flicks now. It's not until after that I remember that guys aren't everything anymore. That he is is all I need to shine bright and be happy from the inside out.
Tomorrow we have a senior assembly for cap and gowns; we also get nominations for senior superlatives. I really want to be nominated for best hair; but it's almost as if I know I won't get it because God wants to show me that it doesnt matter. Some of the things I have wanted my entire life will happen this year but only if he allows it. My heart's desires are in his hands. God has been teaching me to really give everything over to him. To let him hear from me that I am struggling. On days that I do that, I can trually feel God's love working and spreading from within me. His light shines through me and keeps me young, as I continue to grow older.
Something that God has been putting on my heart a lot is my appearance of myself and sometimes I find myself slipping back into my old habits where I just beat myself up for things that I cant control. I find myself doing it alot when I get on facebook and look at my friends or look at my old pictures. It's hard for me to look at cheer pictures. It makes me cringe. I think i understand why God chose work crew over cheer, it's just hard for me to accept when it's something i've wanted forever; but it's not a good want. It consumed me, my thoughts, my attitude. Little by little though, God reminds me what I live for. He reminds me that the only opinion that matters is his. Sometimes I forget. Actually, I forget all the time. I find it really hard to watch people with their boyfriends. I find it really hard to watch chick flicks now. It's not until after that I remember that guys aren't everything anymore. That he is is all I need to shine bright and be happy from the inside out.
Tomorrow we have a senior assembly for cap and gowns; we also get nominations for senior superlatives. I really want to be nominated for best hair; but it's almost as if I know I won't get it because God wants to show me that it doesnt matter. Some of the things I have wanted my entire life will happen this year but only if he allows it. My heart's desires are in his hands. God has been teaching me to really give everything over to him. To let him hear from me that I am struggling. On days that I do that, I can trually feel God's love working and spreading from within me. His light shines through me and keeps me young, as I continue to grow older.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Rising Up
These past few days I've been really trying hard to center myself again and I finally feel like I'm back to where I was. I really had just stopped looking for God in my everyday life but I'm beginning to see Him again and see what He is doing in my life. Today, I went to chikfila with Claire and we had a mini bible study but Alex was suppose to be there so I had made the bible study like more relevant to her but she didnt even go. So, Claire and I ended up just talking about what she's learning and what she's starting to see now and we talked through the bible verses.
One in particular that i forgot to share with her but sent to her afterward was "Let's see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshipping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big day approaching." Hebrews 10:24-25 MSG.
I found this verse in the back of my last journal and I absolutely fell in love with it.
My Younglife leader Katie gave me a packet with like copied pages from this book called Jesus Calling and it's really like opened my eyes today the reading started with "Beware of seeing yourself through other people's eyes." And later on it said "it is much more real to see yourself through My eyes. My gaze upon you is steady and sure, untainted by sin. Through My eyes you can see yourself as one who is deeply, eternally loved. Rest in My loving gaze, and you will recieve deep Peace. Respond to My loving Presence by worshipping Me in spirit and in truth.
This paragraph spoke to me so much. It reminds me of when I first accepted Christ into my life and reminds me of why I first fell in love with him. He loves me no matter what I've done, no matter what I look like and no matter who I am. He filled the emptiness in my heart. And he made me feel accepted. He makes me feel like enough.
One in particular that i forgot to share with her but sent to her afterward was "Let's see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshipping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big day approaching." Hebrews 10:24-25 MSG.
I found this verse in the back of my last journal and I absolutely fell in love with it.
My Younglife leader Katie gave me a packet with like copied pages from this book called Jesus Calling and it's really like opened my eyes today the reading started with "Beware of seeing yourself through other people's eyes." And later on it said "it is much more real to see yourself through My eyes. My gaze upon you is steady and sure, untainted by sin. Through My eyes you can see yourself as one who is deeply, eternally loved. Rest in My loving gaze, and you will recieve deep Peace. Respond to My loving Presence by worshipping Me in spirit and in truth.
This paragraph spoke to me so much. It reminds me of when I first accepted Christ into my life and reminds me of why I first fell in love with him. He loves me no matter what I've done, no matter what I look like and no matter who I am. He filled the emptiness in my heart. And he made me feel accepted. He makes me feel like enough.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back.
This past weekend was the hardest for me since being home from work crew. I've been running so hard after the Lord but with the blink of the eye I was back to criticizing myself and searching for the approval of others. So many of my friends around me are not followers of Christ. Their thoughts get into my head and I forget that i live for something better. There are so many people outside of my school that support me and push me to follow Christ and recently I feel like I've been neglecting everyone. I'm in one of my phases where I need to get away from everyone and just spend time with the Lord and go back to the basics. I'm trually at peace in my heart in great fellowship with my campaigners group, with the guys and the leaders before club, with work crew friends, with a notebook and pen in my hands. Some days I wish that I could just go back to work crew. I was a different person there. I was bold and I was loving towards everyone and I never searched for the approval of others. That feeling transferred to my school the first couple weeks, and I promised myself when I left that I would not be the one to leave and then lose my passion for God. I am a leader at my school. This is our year I can feel it. Things have changed already and I think that's what's the hardest for me is believing. Believing that all I have to do is love and He will take care of the rest.
I just wanted to share a few things that some people have shared with me as encouraging that just make me want to break down in tears of joy.
"You are such a good image of Christ and I am so lucky to have you in my life. I hope you're doing well and your relationship with the Lord is better than ever (because it seems like it:)) You seem that you're so focused on being a leader in your school and for you friends and its jsut so great being able to watch you through it. (even though I'm not really there)"
-It's so crazy how God works because I have been waiting for this letter and the day that I begin to look for the answers as to why I'm struggling I get this in the mail as encouragement.
"you have such a strong and realistic heart and are so bold and you inspire me everyday to spread the gospel"
-sometimes I wonder if I do this for the complimetns and for being the best ?
but then when I think back to the moment when I accepted Christ all I remember is breaking down in tears because my heart filled up the second I said it. The things Christ has brought me in my life keep me going. My experiences have made me who I am. When I bring my friends to campaigners and club and they thank me for bringing them keep me going. I try so hard everyday to set an example as to what it looks like to follow Christ in high school. It's not easy in fact it's probably one of the toughest things to do.
"For I know the plans I have for you", says the Lord, "Theyre plans for good and not for disaster. To give you a future and hope." -Jeremiah 29:11
Ironically, two people have send me this verse in letters.
I just wanted to share a few things that some people have shared with me as encouraging that just make me want to break down in tears of joy.
"You are such a good image of Christ and I am so lucky to have you in my life. I hope you're doing well and your relationship with the Lord is better than ever (because it seems like it:)) You seem that you're so focused on being a leader in your school and for you friends and its jsut so great being able to watch you through it. (even though I'm not really there)"
-It's so crazy how God works because I have been waiting for this letter and the day that I begin to look for the answers as to why I'm struggling I get this in the mail as encouragement.
"you have such a strong and realistic heart and are so bold and you inspire me everyday to spread the gospel"
-sometimes I wonder if I do this for the complimetns and for being the best ?
but then when I think back to the moment when I accepted Christ all I remember is breaking down in tears because my heart filled up the second I said it. The things Christ has brought me in my life keep me going. My experiences have made me who I am. When I bring my friends to campaigners and club and they thank me for bringing them keep me going. I try so hard everyday to set an example as to what it looks like to follow Christ in high school. It's not easy in fact it's probably one of the toughest things to do.
"For I know the plans I have for you", says the Lord, "Theyre plans for good and not for disaster. To give you a future and hope." -Jeremiah 29:11
Ironically, two people have send me this verse in letters.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Life in Chesapeake.
It's a little crazy to think that I've only been in Chesapeake for a year because I feel like I've been here for so much longer. There are still moments when I feel like an outsider (I mean sometimes we all feel that way, right?). A year ago I would've beaten myself up for it but today, I remember that I have God. That I'm living for something greater (someone special told me this, and it has stuck with me). That I no longer need to seek the apporval of my peers. Which believe it or not has been something that I've struggled with my entire life. I've always wanted to be the girl who didnt care what other people thought of her but I could never get to that point. I still struggle with that to this day and lately I've been bringing it to God for him to take away that desire to be known. Some days are better than others, I feel like I go into a relapse of my old self and all I want is to be a cheerleader and to be friends with everyone and to walk down the hallway say hi to like twenty people. Then there are the days that I walk down the hallway and I know I'm just glowing and pouring out His love into those who walk by and it's not because I'm trying. But because I know He loves me and that He is enough for me and that he is all I need. Recently I've been trying to be more vulnerable and share all my struggles with Him and after praying about it for a few days to share it with someone close.
Every day the thought of love scares me. Every day I worry that my heart it going to be broken. Again. Every inch of me wants to believe it, but my natural instinct is to set up a wall. Every day I pray that God will give me a sign and to bless our relationship. And every day I want to pour my heart out to him but every day I hold back. Why is it so hard for us to just believe God is going to protect us? All we need to remember is this bible verse (one of my faves): "No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; He will never let you be pushed past your limit; He will always be there to help you come through." 01 Corinthians 10:13. The moments when we are weakest, are the moments that God shows us how strong we can be. He trually has the power to heal your heart. He healed mine. He filled it with his love. I no longer search to fill it with anything, after searching for so many years.
Every day the thought of love scares me. Every day I worry that my heart it going to be broken. Again. Every inch of me wants to believe it, but my natural instinct is to set up a wall. Every day I pray that God will give me a sign and to bless our relationship. And every day I want to pour my heart out to him but every day I hold back. Why is it so hard for us to just believe God is going to protect us? All we need to remember is this bible verse (one of my faves): "No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; He will never let you be pushed past your limit; He will always be there to help you come through." 01 Corinthians 10:13. The moments when we are weakest, are the moments that God shows us how strong we can be. He trually has the power to heal your heart. He healed mine. He filled it with his love. I no longer search to fill it with anything, after searching for so many years.
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