Sometimes it's hard

Sometimes it's hard for me to wake up and get into the word. I love doing it but recently i haven't had any motivation. I don't know why, but it just sucks. I know that i've been feeling down because of it and I've noticed the side effects on my personality when I don't get into the word. Usually, that's enough for me to get back to God but it's just been really hard for me. I have had so much on my mind and just never know what's right or wrong anymore and sometimes all i want is to know up front but I know with God thats never the case.
Looking back on my life God has been more than gracious towards me. He has built me up to where I am now all the heartbreak and the pain from moving around the last couple years. He's been preparing me for my future for right now when I'm so far away from my friends and family. Everything I hope for in the future is because i no longer look to my past.
It's gotten to the point where i just block out anything from my past from when i felt stupid or made a stupid mistake. sometimes i forget who i use to be i'm so focused on getting away from it, from pretending like it never happened when i need to praise God everyday for those moments because they are the reason why I found Him in the first place.
I think what I miss most about being at home is the laughter and ease and confidence I have when I'm at home. I hope that texas will be the same for me one day. i miss being back at home I think that's why i've been having a hard time, i'm trying to hold it altogether again and just get to winter break...which is where i am now but nothings changed.
i want to just have a normal break for once and not feel like i'm missing out on anything and not wishing i was somewhere else. i wanna love it here i do but theres still so much i miss about being at home and i thought i'd be happy to have my family here in texas but now i'm just wishing that i was back at home.

Finals week

I am so thankful for everything that has happened this semester. I have learned so much and grown so much. it still blows my mind to think that things will no longer be the same. this is a new chapter in my life and i'm scared out of my mind as to whats coming. there's so much at stake these next four years, the decisions that i make the next four years could and probably will impact the rest of my life and that scares me so much.

although i have nothing to worry about this first semester because my grades were awesome, however what about next semester and the ones to come. i've never had a job, how am i going to pay for things, i've spent alot of money this first semester sadly. i thought i was good at saving but i guess not. I'd really like to have my truck at school at some point but i don't know when that'll be since I don't have any money to pay for gas. i'd like to be able to pay for my plane ticket one day or maybe half of it, it gets expensive flying back and forth. i wish that texas and virginia were closer together:(

right now i'm supposed to be studying for my one and only final. i know what your thinking how do you only have one final, well one was optional if you had an A (which i do) and then my math teacher said i didnt need to take it since I did well on all 3 tests even though he was dropping our lowest test grade. and then two were my art labs, which were work all semester so thankfully they gave us a break by not having a final.
well anyways i don't think i'm going to do very well on this last test for my art appreciation class since i've been staring the study guide and don't know anything so I think i'm going to wake up early and study and pack or maybe ill study some more tonight i dont know what to do with my life right now (which apparently is my favorite phrase because i've said it like 20 times today to carleigh)

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Can you believe that it's already november, or that thanksgiving is right around the corner? i honestly can't. this semester has FLOWN by. i'm almost done with my first semester of college, i still feel like i just graduated yesterday. the past three and half months have honestly been the hardest, and most trying times for my faith...and yet i know they have been the most rewarding.

As i approach the two year mark of being set free, never would I have thought that i would be 1,205 miles away from my home. i'm in utter amazement of what God has called me to and how He's changed my heart to want to be here and to be doing what i love. i told my self this would not be a place for me to pour my heart out but a place for telling what I need prayers for. 

well right now i need prayer to stay strong. tears of joy are falling down as i think about being able to hug justin after three and a half months. honestly, i feel like i've forgotten what it looks like for us to be holding hands or to be hugging. i know it may seem like i'm being a silly girl, but the next four days could not go by any faster. I've also come to realize that i love hugs, i knew i did before, but in a place where i don't know very many people enough to give them hugs, one simple hug makes my heart ache. anytime i see my best friend kim we literally run and hug each other. honestly, justin has become one of my best friends and i can imagine thats what justin and i's hug will look like, and i will also most likely be crying. You better believe i'm going to cherish the full 75(ish) hours i have in VA. 

the one thing i have learned is to appreciate every moment i have with my loved ones. 

which brings me to next friday night

you better believe one week from today at this time i will be laying in none other than

katie my favorite ever's bed. 

(which is still her name in my phone after a year +)

i will probably be crying when i see and talk to her too, oh how i have missed my sweet friend so much. oh how i have missed going to school sporting events with her and just hanging out at starbucks and being carefree. i miss having sleepovers at her house and sitting with her while she cleans her kitchen which is always when i happen to be there haha.

and the night i get home i will get to see none other than the magnificent MIRANDA!

oh how we have become so close as we spur each other on, once again at different schools, now hundreds of miles apart, but still as if we lived 10 minutes away from each other. The Lord has been so sweet to me, He has certainly provided for me at home. 

pray for patience, and for strength in God. 

it will be so hard to leave these sweet friends although it will only be for a few weeks before i'm reunited with them over winter break. i was heart broken before i left when i got to see them everyday, i can't imagine how it's going to feel to leave again after being home. pray that God will give me the strength and passion to come back here to denton. i love this place but oh how i wish my friends were here to experience it with me. 

Take me back: the struggle is real

These past few weeks have been a real struggle for me, I couldn't tell you why now because I just feel so overwhelmed with joy and passion. I just finished Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers, I've been unable to put it down these past couple days because I couldn't remember the ending from when I read it like 6 months ago. If you haven't read this book, I strongly recommend it. This book reminded me of forgiveness, and being brought from death to life and just unending love.

This past weekend my high school in virginia went to Fall weekend at the Young Life camp Rockbridge. Rockbridge holds a special place in my heart because that's where i accepted Christ almost two years ago. (It will be two years on november 21!) Since fall weekend of my junior year, I've been back for summer camp, august work crew, fall weekend (again), weekend work crew, and prayer over night. Each time i've gone back my relationship has grown and become sweeter.

This weekend my high school took about 40 kids and the area brought about 160. I desperately wish  i could've been there to experience fall weekend again and see the Lord work in these girls' lives. One thing that has been so hard for me is having to leave Virginia and the Young Life community. The college students in VA often get to go to Rockbridge and do weekend Work crew and some of my friends got to do that this weekend and I felt a twinge of jealousy, because I will never get to do that. One of things I looked forward to in High school was getting to do that, and my heart breaks anytime mentions this on twitter or pictures on instagram. I so desperately want to go back and experience this and be with friends in community.

One thing I've realized and Redeeming Love has helped me to see this, is that God has called me to Texas and He has prepared me for my circumstances. In high school, I was one of the only girl seniors at my school  to follow Christ and at my school my community consisted of my YL leader and the other senior guys, which wasn't exactly the type of community i needed. However, I did have Miranda and caitlin who went to the other two high schools so I am thankful for that. Any ways back to the point, God has prepared me for the lack of community here in Denton by my lack of community in high school. This was really hard for me to accept because nothing did I want more was to finally have a community to lean on and be with. I've realized now that I've been so obsessed with having people pour into me that I have become selfish and have forgotten about those who need to be loved and poured into.

My passion is blooming and I can feel God working in my heart and finally giving me peace about being here. The weekends are the hardest part for me about being here. I know that this is where I am supposed to be, while that could change I know that this is will make me stronger for my future. Weekends have become harder and harder and I've been trying to control my excitement that Thanksgiving is only two weekends away. Is it bad that I get this excited about going home? I miss my bed, I miss my dogs, I miss my parents food, I miss being lazy, I miss Justin, I miss katie, I miss miranda, I miss Young Life, I miss Hickory, I miss all my babies at Hickory. Words cannot explain the joy that fills my heart when I think about going home. I can tell you right now there will be alot of crying that weekend but certainly tears of joy and not sorrow.

Please be praying, that I stay in the present that my heart would continue to reach out to girls here. Some of my sorority sisters have shown interest in Young Life. I also have been praying about a way to lead or where to lead. Pray for patience, and for peace and comfort. Pray that I would continue to lean on God for strength. Also pray that I continue to trust God with everything in my life right now.

Texas isn't home just yet

Well i'm going to start off by giving you an update about how I've been doing recently... so the past few weeks i've had an awful cough and it was worse but I slept it off last weekend the question is can I keep it away. I've been dealing with hives and swollen hands, they've seemed to disappear for now but who knows with this cold front this week.

This past week I found out my Great grandma died. She was 98, and had been sick with pneumonia. It was time and she's now out of pain. I think what's hardest for me is that I've had multiple opportunities to go visit her these past couple years and thought ill just go next time and last I heard Granny was doing well. And now it seems I've ran out of time. I'm having a hard time forgiving myself but I know she's watching down on me and is feeling alive and well again up in heaven.

It's hard to imagine actually, I found out a week before Wednesday that Granny wasn't doing well. I tried to focus on my school work but when I got the call I just felt like life stopped around me. My DG sister Alex comforted me while I cried at the library. She gave me an awesome hug and I couldn't be more thankful for her in that moment.

I'm still searching for my place here at UNT. Gods been revealing so many things to me and I couldn't be happier but as each week progresses I find myself missing home more and more. Each weekend gets harder and harder. I find myself getting caught up in Instagram and twitter and Facebook. Looking at what everyone else is doing and just reminding myself that I'm a thousand miles away from home. I'm thankful for my grandparents but ill never know what's its like to drive and meet friends on the weekends. I won't get to spend the night in my bed until thanksgiving. And then not again until January. I find myself craving real conversation and genuine laughter but I don't think I've found anyone yet.

These next three weeks until thanksgiving are going to be very long and stressful. Please be praying for a community and people I can be real with and turn to when I'm struggling for encouragement. I can't do this on my own, and I know sometimes I still rely on myself when I need to be relying on God.

Sisters for life

So anyone who knows me I think knew that I wasn't going to rush because it wasn't for me. But honestly I think God called me to these girls and to Delta Gamma specifically. Tonight we had our new member retreat and we did something called Fire Side Chat and the question was "what is a defining moment in your life" and imagine probably 45 girls sitting in a giant circle on the ground. You can imagine that there were tons of tears and all i can say is that every single one of them was just so broken and going through so much pain. It reminded me of how broken our world is and that in this broken world God can make us feel whole again. I got to share a part of my testimony tonight and I've told my testimony a number of times and once in front of a crowd of high school students and have had the strength and boldness to not cry. And tonight everything around me had just gotten to me and I cried about how broken I was and I was just reminded of that tonight and even at church this morning I was reminded.

But when it came down to it, I put it out there for everyone to hear, my identity is in Christ; and I said that my defining moment was my junior year of high school when I accepted Christ. I couldn't even spit it out and I have no idea why, but I hope that God will use that moment and touch those girls lives even if it's in the smallest of ways.

I've been questioning, why UNT, and why certain things have been put on my heart, and tonight gave me a glimpse of why God called me to UNT. I seriously can't wait to become apart of this sisterhood and be apart of my sister's lives in a new way. This is a new chance for me to forget about my past and move on, no strings attached. I'm made new every morning I wake up, every day is a new day planned out by God himself.

Please be praying for each and every one of the girls in my new member class, there was alot of honesty tonight and just alot of brokenness and just so much potential in these girls. So just be praying that I can serve them and love them now that I've said my brokenness and now I can focus on theirs by loving and serving them!

Homesick

I never thought that I'd be saying the words "I'm homesick." Don't get me wrong I love my family and I love being at home but I also love being busy and the result is me never being home.... but now that i'm far away from my home and from my parents, and my dogs. I miss them so much. I knew i'd miss them but I never knew how much until now. It makes me so sad when I see friends in virginia saying theyre going to visit friends at other schools or going home for a football game. I wish I could have that. I wish i could go home and sleep in my own bed with my dog. I wish I could hang out with Katie and all my high school babies. I want to go to maryland to visit Justin. Every time I think about going home, tears are brought to my eyes. You know that saying "Distance makes the heart grow stronger" well that's how I feel. I can assure you that I will probably start crying the second that I see Justin, katie or any of my high school friends like Sydney or Riane.

The thought of being back in chesapeake seriously brings me to tears. I miss it so much. I miss the familiar faces and the wonderful community. I miss the comfort. I use to complain about change. I use to complain about moving. Well not this time, this time it was my choice except I didnt make the final decision God put it on my heart to come to UNT. I love the campus and the school and the people around me. From the beginning i knew deep down that it was where I wanted to go. The only thing that was stopping me from making the decision was my fear of change and the unfamiliar. All through high school, I craved change but when I finally got it i hated it. Looking back, I know it was all apart of God's plan for me here and now.

I can't do this on my own. And honestly, every week i think what the heck am I doing here and think about packing up my bags and transferring to VCU to be closer to everyone and everything familiar to me. I don't know why God has called me here but i want to find out and I don't want to give up on His plan. Everyday I ask for guidance and just comfort because it's so scary being here.

On another note, last week I went to the first UNT Young Life Club ever! I couldn't stop smiling as i sang Don't stop believing at the top of my lungs. Just something about how Young Life does things that hits home in my heart. We had about 20 people there but it was still awesome to be apart of. I think the highlight of my night was watching my friend Carleigh experience club for the first time, she loved every minute of it and I felt so honored to watch her experience it.

Prayer requests: Please pray that when I'm feeling homesick, that I might be reminded of why I came to texas in the first place and how much I've missed being close to my grandparents and other close relatives. Please pray over Justin and I as we work through the beginning stages of a long distance relationship. Pray over loving my sorority sisters with a genuine and bold heart. Pray for balance in my schedule, and for health I'm trying to stay on top of this cold that hasn't quite gotten me yet. Pray over Hickory High school, they have there first club of the year on Monday Night!

Handing It Over

I often forget how easy it is to keep things bottled up and not bring it up in prayer. Sometimes even though I pray about things, I still feel that burden on my shoulders. I think i have a lot of anxiety and tendency to stress out easily and i often to forget that even the simple things like planning my schedule and reading for class need to be handed over to God. I also tend to hold on to the past, I forget that the second after I've committed a sin, I've already been forgiven, even before i committed the sin i was forgiven. But my big struggle is remembering to forgive myself because God's already forgiven me and moved on and to forgive others because just like He's already forgiven me, He's already forgiven the other person as well.

Today was long. That's really the simplest way too put it. I worked all day long and surprisingly stayed off twitter, facebook and instagram today. However, I still managed to get behind in my work. I'm still trying to figure out how to balance everything out. Let's just say, today was hard but it was needed. At like 9:00 when I got back to my dorm after class and my chapter meeting with DG, I basically just broke down in tears. And for me thats my way of giving everything to God, when I start crying (i've come to the realization) it usually means that I haven't handed whatever it is over to God and I've been trying to do it on my own. I need this daily reminder that apart from God we can't do anything. And somehow in the midst of all this chaos, I've found time to write this blog.... keep in mind it's 2:30 am though. Be praying for the week ahead, I have a design project due on wednesday and then I have my first round of in class tests and quizzes on thursday. 

On a different note, I've finally decided to hand over my past to God. All my fears of being hurt or the past repeating itself, that somehow my past will predict what happens today or in the future. This is another thing that I have to constantly remind myself, is to worry about today, not yesterday and not tomorrow. I think I'm the hardest on myself when I know I did something wrong in the past, I'm scared that I'll become victim to it again. In august, I finally realized that I am free of my past, I had heard it and knew that I was, but I finally felt like i was free from it. It finally clicked that my past isn't who I am anymore. And this past sunday, I realized that I need to forgive those who've hurt me and forgive myself for the things I've done to hurt others. The sermon at church was about forgiveness and my devotional was even about forgiveness. Funny how God speaks to us sometimes right? I love making these connections because than I know that God is really trying to get a message to me. 

Prayer requests would be that I make it through this week alive and that I would rely on God for strength and energy; also for trust that He is going to take care of me and my chaotic lifestyle; that I'd be able to love my sorority sisters well; that I'd be able to love my roommate well; and most importantly to serve Christ which in turn would help me to genuinely love and serve those around me. 

My Young Life Leader

Warning: this will be so long but so worth it, I promise. I could write for hours

I just got off with one of my favorite people in the whole wide world. This i know will make her cry because thats how close we are. In fact I just sent her a text saying what I'm about to say will make you cry. For the sake of my blog and the fact that I dont want to put her last name out there we're just gonna use an initial for her last name. Before I tell you her actual name, let me tell you some things about her. She leads on staff with a nonprofit christian organization called Young Life. She is obsessed with anything related to whales, in relation to that she loves anything nautical: anchors, fish, nautical creatures, etc. She also loves animals in general and if you really knew her you would know that she loves dogs more than cats, it's just everyone gets confused because she has (well now she has) three cat calendars hanging in her office, two of which are the same cat calendar and one is from what 1991 or 1993 or something haha. If you havent figured it out yet which most of you have since you most of the people reading this are friends with us....

                             I'd like to introduce to you....... Katie H. (aka KH, khackattack, kate-ster, kit)

In Young Life, you always here club talks inviting high school students to hang out with their leaders and to not feel guilty about it. They always say that your leaders want to spend every second with you and just live life with you. I took full advantage of this with Katie. From the very beginning, I always wanted to hang out with Katie and go get starbucks and hang out and just have real conversations like the ones we had at Fall Weekend when I accepted Christ. Literally every moment after that, I would come over to her house and just hang out (before she had roommates). She introduced me to all the other leaders and helped me to grow in our Young Life community especially after just moving to Chesapeake  I was just looking to be loved and she showed me the best kind. Genuine Love through Christ. Before I know it, I'm always hanging out with her and we start to have inside jokes and we got to just live life together. Anytime I'd spend the night she'd trick me into spending time with God ( and when I say trick I secretly loved it and am thankful for it now) She would always write so much and she has shared with me recently that she would sometimes just pray for me as I sat in front of her. I always loved and desired (and still do) how much precious devoted time she spent with God. 

They always joke about how high school students want to be like their YL leaders because they think there so cool, and I was definitely one of those students. I wanted to be just like Katie and I wanted to be her best friend. One thing I specifically remember her saying is that she went to dinner at a committee members house with other leaders and one of the other leaders Mezz mentioned how Katie and I share the same mannerisms and that it was just so cool to see that because we'd obviously become that close. I see it wen I look at other students with their leaders that they have the same mannerisms and often time they will pray the same way and little things like that. It's so cool to see how Christ's love works in us to become so close with people that we just start talking and doing the same things. 

Katie has made such an impact on my life in more ways than she knows and she always tells me the same thing. It's funny because usually the typical story is that you meet your Young Life leader in the parking lot after school or at a football game....well i always give katie a hard time because i never officially 'met' her. My two best friends kendall and bridget would always say Hi to her but i was never introduced and she never introduced herself. I just thought that she was a really random ( i knew about YL but i didnt know anything specific) person who hung out at our schoool (typical right?). 

I'm so thankful for her in my life and even though I hated chesapeake because i was moving, I am so thankful that God brought me there it was obviously for a reason.... Him. I am thankful for his will and plans and no one elses. He also brought Katie into my life so that we could just encourage and support each other in different ways. Katie is no longer my Young Life leader (officially, ill explain) she is my Best friend, and now that i'm no longer in high school she can truly be my best friend but in my heart she will always hold that special place of being my Young Life leader that so many of us have. I'm currently trying to stop calling her my YL leader and just call her my best friend. She now gets to help me through college and can actually give me advice about being a leader (hopefully....ill explain in a different blog) and about how to just love people in the real world. We still talk everyday even if it's just a random thought or hashtag or even a Snapchat or funny picture. I miss her alot but I am so excited to see her in about two months.... i know what youre thinking thats still like really far away stephanie but i haven't seen her in two months and the past two months have gone by fast so I'm thankful for that. 

Katie has such an amazing heart and is just an amazing example of what it looks like to follow God's will and just literally serving the Lord with all her heart mind and body to the point where she gets sick. I'm sad that i won't be there to love girls in chesapeake but i pray that she would just love girls everyday just like she loved me and even though she doesnt have as much free time as she use to, God will make that time with lost high school girls so much more precious and meaningful. I get jealous when I see girls hanging out with her but only because I wish I was there, I've been working on it though and I wouldn't want it any other way. I want her to be loving them as much as she loved me so that they can come to know Christ. I miss all the girls I got to love during my senior year and she told me today that they keep asking about me and that was just so encouraging because I miss those girls so much. I didn't really realize it until now, but I spent just about all of my senior year loving those girls and I couldn't have asked for a better year. They had me crying my eyes out at my last campaigners and my last club at Hickory. I'm even getting teary eyed as I type this.

Last but not least, Pray that I would be able to love people around me like Christ has loved me and how Katie has loved me through Christ. I miss loving those high school girls so much and I am really trying to figure out how to serve Christ here by genuinely loving those around me. Tonight, talking with katie and just writing this now has helped remind me of what I love to do and what God has given me a passion and heart for. 

Spread Thin.

Hey friends. So, I'm hoping that soon I will be able to give out my blog to more people so that they can be praying for me too. So just spread the word!

This week has been so crazy already and it's only tuesday. Tonight, carleigh, presley and I all went to UNT College Life. All I can say is that i really miss Younglife back home. Moving here has almost put me back in my shell and i'm clinging to others rather than to God. I really wanted to go up to the area director tonight and talk to her about the email my younglife leader, (and bestfriend) sent her a few months ago and at the end I finally did....however we never finished talking about it but i did bring it up so I guess thats good.
Right now my heart is being pulled in so many directions, I really want to get involved with CRU and I really want to get involved with Young Life and I really want to get involved with Delta Gamma. And of course my grades are always first. And now Delta Gamma has become my second. The decision is between CRU and College Life. I really do love both ministries. And I really need yall to be praying for me throughout this semester as I try and figure out what God is calling me to do.
God brought me here for a reason; just like i feel like He put being in a sorority on my heart; and now i really want to figure out which way He is calling me. I don't want to be spread thin. I really just want to find my home away from home here in UNT.

Please be praying for balance and boldness for me friends. It's so scary being so far away from home and not having anyone to talk to about all of this, like to be real about it with. I have God to talk to so I'm thankful for that.

Howdy from Texas!

 

Hey friends, so I've decided to finally get off my lazy butt and start blogging about my time here in Texas. Forgive me if sometimes I capitalize my 'i's and others times i dont... (see what I did there?) Ignore all punctuation as well. I will probably be writing late at night much like right now and for some reason my 'h' key is misbehaving..... so if it looks like i left an 'h' out thats probably the reason why. Well in honor of moving to texas, i have added in my first instagram picture in texas which was the welcome to texas sign from my car....hence the antenna in the middle of the shot. I have also changed the name of my blog and the colors on the page in honor of going to the University of North Texas in mean green Denton home of the Mean Green Eagles!! I really want to make this blog about how God is working in my life with struggles and with blessings, which is why I changed the title to "Keep Calm and Pray to God" because i tend to worry alot and need this reminder often.... so I'm going to catch you up to speed on what has happened these last three weeks of being here! And then I will go into more detail because some of you may be wondering about a few of the things on my list.... ps stole this idea from my bff's blog, she's going to remain nameless for the time being.

 

 

1. Went to Freshman Eagle Camp

2. Officially moved in to my dorm

3. unpacked for like 10+ hours

4. Met people on my hall

5. Went to Mean Green Spirit Night

6. Signed up for CRU

7. Stalked down the Younglife tent at Mean Green Fling

8. Got a bunch of free stuff during First Flight week

9. Went to my first CRU meeting

10. Decided to rush (yes for a sorority)

11. Met my new sister in christ and sorority

12. Joined Delta Gamma

13. Met with Natasha

14. Took the bus and was late to class

15. Spent way too much money on art supplies

16. Went to the gym ONCE

17. Went to our first home football game

18. Went to The Village Church

19. Skyped with Justin

20. Caught up with old friends

keep in mind through all of this, there has been many tears of joy, saddness, and prayer.

 

For those of you who know me, UNT was a big decision for me to leave my home in sweet sweet chesapeake. I was literally called by God himself out of Virginia back to my other home here in texas. For the those of you who don't know, i am OBSESSED with the Dallas Cowboys and i am happy to be back in Cowboys Nation. I felt on my heart back in december that I was being called here to UNT and I just kept praying and praying like "are you sure this is where i am supposed to be, because Lord i really don't want to start over again." More and more I could feel it on my heart that this is where He was calling me to go. My last few weeks in Virginia, I got really scared and started to wish that I had taken the easy way out and gone to VCU, where they don't have football...which is a must in my book for college experiences (can you tell i'm from texas yet). I continued to pray...

 

When I first got here, I was scared out of my mind and could feel myself escaping into my shell and wondering if people were going to like me or not. I had forgotten what it was like to be out of my comfort zone, more so now than ever because I didn't even have my parents as a friendly face as a reminder that everything was going to be okay. Well the first week was kind of a blur, I moved in, had to learn my way around and get my PO Box and get other miscellanious things done. I met a few people along the way and hung out with people from Eagle Camp. I signed up for so many Christian orginizations at Orientation that I had no idea what was what and I ended up signing up for CRU which i had somehow missed and of course Younglife/Collegelife. 

 

My first organization that I got to go to was for CRU and I met a staff girl named Natasha who had recently graduated from UNT and was a Pi Beta Phi. My two friends (now really good friends) Carleigh and Presley were talking with her about going through recruitment for Greek Life. She started talking about how Christ is working in these broken houses of Sorority Girls. For the record, I had decided early on that sorority life would not be a good place for me and was not what I wanted to get into and had been fighting the pull on my heart to sign up for recruitment...until I heard Natasha say that she really enjoyed loving the girls in her sorority. At that moment, I suddenly felt like i really wanted to sign up for recruitment. I called my mom, next thing you know I was signed up.

 

Fast forward to Saturday (from wednesday) to my very last house of 8 sorority parties. Delta Gamma. I went into the house thinking I'm not going to like this house I'll just cut them. Thats when I met Kathryn. I mentioned that I wanted to get into Younglife and CRU and she literally jumped with joy....while wearing high heels i might add.. when I said this. Funny thing is, Kathryn is super involved with CRU and had been praying for some good girls to talk to. I thought this surely had to be God. This is no coincidence.

 

Fast forward to wednesday (preference night) I go into Delta Gamma or DG and by God's will alone I get Kathryn as my escort AGAIN.  We talked, and this is the most serious night out of recruitment, so we talk a little bit more about our faith and she tells me about how CRU is teaming up with the Greeks to love their fraternity brothers and sorority sisters. She told me about how she cried before the party started because of how she excited was that I had been asked back and that I wanted to come back. Needless to say, I chose Delta Gamma as my new home, I knew that God was calling me here.

 

And although I have really been questioning whether this is right or not, I think I've been questioning it so much because I havent had any support from my loved ones. But I've come to realize that their opinions don't really matter, and although that sounds harsh, it's true. God called me here to UNT for a reason and I fully believe that is one of the reasons why. I have heard countless testimonies about loving these sorority girls and making a difference. I used to want to be in a sorority and now i have the change to do that and help enhance such a real sisterhood already to one that is covered in God's mercy and love. Words can't explain how excited I am. I am ready to see what God has in store for me the next four years here in Texas. I am still waiting patiently to make sure that this is my calling, but I have found encouragement to finally trust that God is working in my life and that I shouldn't be worrying about anyone else's opinions. 01 Corinthians 1:13 speaks wonders to me, God has brought me to this so he will surely bring me through it! It's super late and I know it's going to be hard to get up tomorrow morning, but I will keep you updated on the Greek Ministry that is happening here at UNT as we work alongside CRU to change our campus.

 

 Top Left: Andrea and I with Scrappy; Bottom Left: My new home, aka dorm life; Top Right: Andrea, Katie and I in front of the UNT sign; Bottome Right: The Village church

 Delta Gamma Pledge Class 2012

 Kathryn and I on Bid Day

 First UNT football game at our new stadium with my new sisters. Delta Gamma<3

 

 

Speechless

Looking back on the past 8 months, I couldn't be more thankful for every individual event that has happened. Work crew reunions, birthday parties, countless clubs and campaigners, several trips to rockbridge, new friendships, heartbreak, healing, learning, life choices. You name it, it's probably happened sometime in the past 8 months. God has me speechless as to what he has done in my life. I couldn't ask for anything more or for anything to change because I know it's all apart of his plan for me. He has called me here. He has called me to Chesapeake for a reason. Just like he's calling me to Texas next year. He's broken my heart a few times this year, teaching me that the only person I need in my life is Him. Through him I have formed some very genuine, intentional and real relationships. I can never forget the love that he has showed me through my friends in Christ.

Every week we have a 'team dinner' at Zach's house, i think katie and i decided that i did go to these at the end of last year for a little bit. But anyways, i can't tell you how many times this 'team' has saved me. All the laughter and giggles about silly jokes, and the sharing of High-Lows always manages to make my mondays so much better. the love that we have for each other as we share God's message at club as just transformed so much this year. it's going to be really hard to leave this group of people next year. although i wish i had another senior girl by my side, i couldn't have asked for a better group of guys to chase after God with, Zach, Justin, Chris, and Jon have always been such an encouragement to me. I doubt they realize it but they have always been a sight to see and to watch them love other guys at Hickory has just been such an inspiration to me. To build that kind of community so that girls can have relationships like that with other girls, because i couldn't have it I want them to have it. Sometimes I forget why I do the things I do like why I started the chikfila Bible studies and why katie and I plan sleepovers and get togethers. It's all because I want these girls to know they're not alone. I want them to be able to hold each other accountable and to have an environment where it's real and not fake. I want them to know that it is possible to have this relationship without relying on anyone else to push you I am that example. But it shouldn't be that way, the Bible talks about having accountability partners and a community where you can spend time in the word together. I am paving the way for Hickory Girls. This is God's time at Hickory. Right now. This school year, Hickory will change.

Progress.

Everyday my heart heals a little more and I learn to trust God more too. He has been teaching me to have comfort in prayer and that patience is key.

This week was really awesome! I saw God working not only in my life but others too! This past week at lunch, I saw my friend Jon invite a freshman guy, who was really shy in fact I don't think he even said one word, to sit with us at lunch. Keep in mind this is a loud and rambunctious group of seniors mainly guys. I'm sure he was terrified. I would've been. Next, God blessed our bible study with just great laughter and community. It sucks to have to wake up even earlier for breakfast but it is worth it when I know the girls are looking forward to it. That same same day, God took like 20 lbs of stress off my shoulders when I found out my ap government test was on Monday instead of friday, the next day. Similarly, earlier that week I worked out a new schedule for my ap paintings which meant I didn't have to turn one in on Friday that I started on Tuesday.

We had a senior meeting this week as well but only hickory this time. I must say just thinking about this year and how much has already changed at our school, my mind is blown. Also, our community of seniors has also grown so much closer. It's really going to suck when we all split up next year:( this community at hickory that we have is just....amazing? Words can't describe how thankful I am for the leaders and the senior guys. They really have been there for me and cheered me up when I've been down.

Busy busy bee

So if you don't count the massive breakdown I had on Sunday. It was late and my emotions were just crazy. I've been doing great! I'm keeping myself busy with tennis and school work.

I made captain alongside jackie and rachel, for tennis so I'll be in charge of the paperwork stuff and motivating the team goes along with it. I really don't want to slack off this season with conditioning I'm gonna really try and get into shape.

Schoolwork definitely has me on my toes I definitely have to remind myself that it's okay to take a step back and relax in the fact that God will help me to get everything done. Especially when I'm feeling stressed about finishing a piece for ap drawing.

I've been trying to really stay focused on God. Whenever I feel upset, I try and stop my mind from wandering and say just pray. I know God has a plan for me. I just have to be patient!

Rockbridge <3

Lost my way, time to be strong.

I just re-read my blogs, which isn't very many. I've come to realize while my relationship with God has grown so much more intimate, I have become less appreciative of the things he does in my life. So I'm just going to touch bases on a few things I've talked about in previous blogs.

-College:
I am officially apart of the mean green family at the University of North Texas. Recently, I have been feeling so confused about going to school there. For the record, I was accepted in to the arts program at VCU. But I wasn't that excited to see that I had gotten in which pretty much confirmed the fact that I wanted to go to UNT. Everyone says you should be able to picture yourself at the school, well I could do just that with UNT. What's confusing is that I have come to realize how much I love the community in Chesapeake and in VA in general. What I love about VA is that when I go to camp, there's no doubt I will see people I know and with plans to lead next year I would know a number of leaders and such. I'm just going to miss it so much.

Hickory-
This semester isn't as bad as I thought it would be since I dropped AP art history. I've gotten into a habit of having a 30 minute quiet time in the morning. What's awesome is how much things have changed at hickory! I sometimes forget to take a step back and just be thankful for everything God is doing because he certainly is changing girls lives at Hickory. Tears come to my eyes as I say this. We had 5 tables full of girls at chikfila this week for bible study. I am so overwhelmed with joy and excitement. This is Gods time to change Hickory. Our goal is to have 30 girls at camp this summer. I fully believe that this is going to happen. This will not only break the record for the number of girls going but the total people going at all for hickory. Tonight some girls are coming over to watch a movie and play some games.

What's crazy to me is that the bible study was one to two girls tops but now it's 5 tables full of girls! And most of them underclass men! I'm just so amazed of how much God has been at work.

Recently, I had the great privilege of sharing my testimony with my campaigner group. It was the first time I hadn't cried sharing it. God has changed me. I am living breathing proof of Gods love. He has changed my heart. I am no longer scared to pray. I no longer feel awkward walking up to girls. I am confident. I am strong. I am full of Gods love.

Something hard for me right now i listening to God. I just had my heart broken again. But what's different is that I don't feel the pain as much. I know it's going to be okay and maybe that's what scares me. But I feel like this isn't over. But I cant tell if its my heart or if it's God saying no he'll come around. I know I said I'm going to be single and I am. It's just so hard to be strong. I am learning to rely on God more and more whenever my heart cringes at his name or picture. I know I need to focus on God. I had definitely lost sight of Him, I just wasnt paying attention. What's hard is that I want him to be happy and if he isn't happy with me then I want him to find someone else. This is the first time I have ever prayed for a guys happiness with another girl. I would rather feel all his pain and mine then for him to be unhappy. I just want him to know that. I feel like I have to be strong. I feel like I have to show him I don't care but I really do.

Okay. I feel like I'm being dramatic. I just have to put it out there or it will eat me up inside. I really want to find my way back to God.

I have come to the realization....

That my blog makes no sense and that I don't really know what I want it to be or to say. This is a disclaimer to anyone reading this! (which is probably no one)

I accepted Christ into my life a little over a year and half ago not knowing what it would entail or what it even meant I just knew that I wanted God in my life. Its always a process. What you ask does that mean? I mean when I accepted Christ on Nov. 21, 2010 I had no intentions of officially giving up my party life, or my obsession with boys but that I liked the idea to, maybe, one day be able to WANT to do that.

if you look at my love life, that is what truly represents how my God has changed and continues to change my heart daily. The process of me becoming centered on God has not been easy when it comes to guys. In the past year I've broken up with two guys knowing that what I needed is a Christ centered relationship, and in between these two my heart was taken and then broken by someone I thought was Christ centered. Then I found the second boy that I dated for the entire summer and then came home from WC knowing full well that I needed someone who could push me to Christ. Then I thought I met someone who was "perfect" for me in the sense that I was looking for the perfect relationship that I thought was focused on God. Well it wasn't. Everything was right, we followed all the rules but we let ourselves get to comfortable with the idea of our "perfect" relationship. The boy very much like myself struggles with girls much like I struggle with guys. Making this a very tough situation because of all the walls that had come down and all the promises that had been made. In the end, and the overall point of this drawn out story is that I used to be scared of the future of what would happen to me and my life when a relationship ended with a guy. BUT, I am no longer scared, and I think that's what scares me. I know whole-heartedly that God has something planned for me, something great. He is what I am relying on to stay strong. I think what's scary the most is that I have never been able to trust anyone fully and I trust God with my life. My heart has changed from wanting to be loved by the perfect guy to only wanting to be loved by God. I have made a vow to devote my life to God. And within the year and half that I have had Him in my life I've never once been single and I mean not talking to anyone or thinking about future possibilities. Well today that changes, I vow to be single and to love God only, until he has healed my heart and has prepared it to love someone else in His name but never above it.

He holds my heart

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4 (NIV)

Turn to God whether it be good or bad and he will grant you all that you need. Sometimes it doesn't seem like he's doing what your heart wants but he knows it better than you.

"Create in me a clean heart, O god; and renew a right spirit within me." Psalm 51:10 (KJV)

We are all sinners. We all fall short. I admit I have recently fallen short again. I guess it was time for God to make a change. He wanted to renew my passion for him I was too comfortable where I was in my relationship with him. He will clean my heart of my pain and anger. The anger that I cannot control he will lead out of my body and teach me to love with my clean, new heart.


"I see you with all my heart; do not let me stray from Your commands." Psalm 119:10 (NIV).

I want this life. I crave more God in my life. I want to fall in love with him more and more everyday. And with me coming to him each and everyday with the troubles and fears in my heart I know that his commands will surely follow.

I am having a hard time thanking God for what he has just done. I so desperately want to believe that there's something better for me coming. I know there is but I can't seem to take comfort in that just yet. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I'm trying to find comfort in many things right now and I need to just take comfort in him.



Read each of these verses individually and then read them altogether as a prayer to God to always hold and protect your heart even when you feel like letting go.

Is this real life?

I barely slept at all last night. I went to bed late and I woke up when my dogs were barking this morning and who knows when that was. I could feel myself tossing and turning throughout the night. I never thought this would happen. I feel so blindsided. Everyone keeps telling me God has plans for you Steph, it's gonna be okay. That phrase is so hard to here because I thought that what was happening was the plan I didn't see that this was coming. I wanted to change. I wanted to make things better. But he let go of me.

Relationships are a funny thing. The best kind are when God is at the center. But the hard thing about balancing your relationship with God and another person is that you have to share your heart with someone other than God. And when do we draw the line that we've gone to far with our heart? In a marriage the first person to have your heart is God, the second person is your husband or wife. They get some of your heart.

I knew this would happen. I just didn't want to believe it. I convinced myself that it wouldn't so the second I started to believe it, it was taken away. God, I did turn my back on you, but I knew that and I wanted to change. Did it really have to end? Is this really the end?